Covid-19 Dating Diary
Quarantine Sweethearts and navigating dating-at-a-distance.
SKIN THIRST: singles are experiencing lack of physical touch.
Hi. I live alone with no pets. I was part of a relationship that ended right as covid was heating up in Canada. I’m following the government’s orders to social distance and stay home as much as possible. I’m fortunate to be able to self isolate at home and work from home and am grateful to those in my community that enable me to do this. All of this has meant that I don’t have regular physical contact anymore. No team sports, no work handshakes or high fives, no fist bumps with my trainers, no hugs, and no cuddles.
We’re intuitively aware of the importance of physical touch. Parents are encouraged to have skin-to-skin contact with their newborn child. Japan uses the term skinship to describe the intimate, yet platonic, hand holding amongst friends. The Dannish term hudsult (roughly translates to skin starvation) refers to a medical condition of a person who lacks physical touch. I recently read a troubling article that identifies lack of touch as a contributing factor to the brain rewiring itself in a way that causes psychological problems. Woah! That is a big deal.
As an ambivert, the alone-time part of self isolation was not a huge deal. But, I am missing that hit of oxytocin, the happy hormone, that your brain gets when you have physical contact with someone. Physical touch also reduces a person’s stress hormone, cortisol, helping us to feel calmer. As the social distancing days and weeks have gone on, I was noticing the effects it was having on my mood. This was not something my omega-3 vitamins were going to fix.
To solve my lack of hugs/cuddles, my first instinct was to get a pet. Maybe I could foster or finally commit to getting a dog of my own! Ultimately I wasn’t totally ready for that. So I turned to online dating. And it’s been fascinating.
WILD WEST: the rules of virtual dating are being written as we speak.
What a time to be dating. Social distancing means not even meeting a friend out for a coffee or drink, let alone a stranger you meet online.
Dating is often talked about as a numbers game. If you’re looking for love, you need to go on a lot of dates with different people to find someone you click with on all three levels (heart-brain-body). Many of my friends have expressed displeasure in long text conversations before meeting. They want to meet in person early to find out if there is physical chemistry — as lacking this is a deal breaker for them. Covid certainly complicates these mental models.
Covid dating is unchartered territory. And we’re all trying to figure out (and shape) the new rules. So I did what any design researcher in my situation would do: I put out an ask on facebook and asked people to DM their experiences dating in this new normal. It’s been awesome and so interesting to discuss with people how we are all navigating it (or not, and opting out of dating all-together). One thing is for sure: dating will be forever changed.
QUARANTINE SWEETHEARTS: Covid is the new cuffing season
Love is in the air. Dating apps are experiencing a spike in activity. People are staying home and swiping more. “What else is there to do”. People are eager to connect — even though there is little to talk about. “how‘s social isolating going?” is the most popular dating app chat opener. “I went for a walk today” and “organized a cupboard” are some of the riveting responses. Still, one friend described a sense of FOMO about dating right now — that she felt singles were setting up dates for when quarantine is over and soon there will be no one left. Hurry!
Intimacy is being accelerated and many relationships are being accelerated.
- Co-isolating with someone you just met. One friend moved in with someone she had started dating only 3 weeks prior to covid shutdowns reaching Toronto — something she admits has been challenging and would never have done under other circumstances.
- Levelling up a new relationship. Another friend described becoming much closer with someone she’d only met once, pre-pandemic. They’ve since gone on a parked-car date in which they spoke with one another through their open windows. This sounds cute and also extremely awkward. I’m also not sure I can get behind the social distance walk, where you maintain 6 feet between both of you the whole time. Like imitation meat, it sounds like a bad version of the real thing (impossible burger lovers, don’t @ me).
- Re-evaluating past lovers. Two friends mentioned reconnecting with people they had gone on dates with pre-covid and that they had fallen out of touch with (on purpose). It turns out it’s nice to banter and flirt with someone familiar during weird times.
- Will you be my Quarantine? Three friends described having a quarantine boyfriend/girlfriend/partner —having met online during the pandemic. These pairs are keeping each other company and lifting each other’s spirits during social isolation, with plans to meet in person when things are back to normal. Activities include: coffee or wine Facetime dates, cooking a meal together but separately, Netflix nights with Facetime on to hear each other laugh, and building a shared Spotify playlist.
As I am experiencing my own version of social distance dating, I’ve found it to be romantic and utterly adorable and weird and funny. Most of all, it has been extremely comforting.
Having someone to flirt with and make you laugh, to sustain prolonged (virtual) eye contact with, and to feel butterflies for, helps to get those happy hormones flowing. When routines and normalcy get thrown out the window, it’s nice to have a reason to brush your hair.
I would love to know: How are you navigating social distance flirting? Do you have a Quarantine boyfriend/girlfriend/partner? How are you coping with no hugs/cuddles?
Cheers,
S.
Special thanks to all the friends who shared about their love lives so openly with me. You know who you are. I had so much fun discussing and reflecting on this topic with you! More soon ❤
